Slow Jam the Mammogram

Slow Jam the Mammogram

Not that long ago I had a mammogram; that turned into a comprehensive mammogram that turned into an MRI. So you know when that happens you’re already as nervous as crap, and as my sister says, I’m a “pre-worrier.” I worry about things in the future – finding a Montessori high school for Park (who is in kindergarten), wondering if I’ll have to replace my bed when I’m older because it’s so high and I don’t want to break a hip climbing in; shoot, I even insisted on putting a full bath on my main floor in case I got too old or sick to climb the stairs and needed to live in what is now my office. That’s just how I am. I like to plan so I won’t be caught off guard and I guess I thought that included my health. So when they kept sending me back in for tests, I was trying not to go over the edge.

So I get to the place for MRI in time for my 7:00 a.m. appointment and they can’t find my referral. I hadn’t had breakfast as I figured I’d be in and out. Two hours later, I am still sitting there nibbling on two saltine crackers that a minister shared with me, trying to fight off a hunger headache while keeping my mind from going to defcon 1. When I finally get called in, I am hungry, tired and aggravated, THEN I discover they need to give me an IV. I HATE needles! But there’s more - after, they took me to this huge metal contraption where I am told I have to lay perfectly still, face down with the offending breast in a, for lack of a better word, hole, for a half hour so they can capture the image! Of course the minute they said something like that everything on my body started to itch and I wanted to sneeze. I knew this was going to be interesting. I got as comfortable as I possibly could and got ready.

But wait a minute – what’s that I hear in the headsets they put on me? Was that LUTHER, begging to “hold me tight, if only for one night?!” I was thinking, what in the world is going on? Apparently they pump in music to relax you during this stressful experience and we were about to slow jam this mammogram! Clearly, they hit the “black mix” button for no sooner had Luther left than Heatwave was loving me “Always and Forever.” It took everything in my being to keep from cracking up and/or waving my hand in air!

The whole experience took me back to the Wegman’s where I live where, while shopping you can hear Earth, Wind & Fire asking “would you mind, if I touch, if I kiss if I held you tight, in the morning light,” all while getting eggs! The DC-area can be a veritable R&B mix of music that you hear while doing basic errands - shopping, sitting at the gas station and apparently even when you get an MRI! For a half an hour I had my own little “Quiet Storm,” a veritable concert of 70’s and 80’s R & B music that calmed my fears, relaxed me, and actually gave me a few laughs.

When it all came out in the wash, I was lucky - I had dense breasts – all of that for dense breasts! If I’m going to have dense breasts they could at least be large! Dense breasts mean a follow-up mammogram, which I had today. It is a comprehensive mammogram where they take about 107 images and have a radiologist review the results. No MRI, no IV, no music. I stared at the eggplant walls in dead silence, while they pressed my breasts into various positions. While standing there, I felt a sense of nostalgia for my MRI as I imagined being back in that room, with my headsets, Jimmy Fallon and the Roots in the background as Brian Williams starts with “Aww yeah…” - and I cracked a smile. Mammograms will never be the same again!

P.S. My mammogram was fine and I am back to regular screenings. To all my women friends October is Breast Awareness Month – get your mammogram!!!!