When it comes to my daughter I am on point. If there is something I want her to do, I'll sign her up in a minute - dance, swim, gymnastics and this year we added chess into the mix. I worry about over taxing her and always give her the chance to opt out (except for swimming), but right now she truly enjoys it. People think it's a waste of money to have children travel so young, but I think kids absorb culture, etiquette and language simply by getting on the road. So she's had her passport since she was about a year and already has a few countries under her belt. I create books with airport tickets and photos to capture what she might not be able to remember. When it comes to school, we hit the library a few times a week and practice math, letters and reading. So when it comes to her I invest all of my time and energy.
When it comes to me - not so much. I can't figure it out. I can be extremely dedicated in getting something done for other people; I'm a hard worker and I like to get it done right. But personally I am a little lax. I start a blog - then drop it, then pick it back up and for the life of me can't tell people the correct way to access it. I joined Weight Watchers - and I've had success, but it seems like right when I get within one pound of their goal weight for me I'll eat a pizza capped off with a box of cookies, then I'm up three pounds. I'll start a side project and drop it. I'm a lousy friend - I don't call anyone nearly as much as I should. I'll go get my hair done and swear that this time I'll commit to keeping it nice and two weeks later I am in a pony tail. It seems like I'll commit to anything/anyone but myself or like I intentionally do something to get in the way of moving forward - why?
When I was in grad school my goal was to get to class, get the message and get out. I rarely participated or spoke up. After the first exam, I got an A- and the professor wrote me a note about not hiding my light under a bushel - but it didn't move me to speak I just completed the class with my A. When I volunteered for a reading program years ago, one of the older volunteers told me how great I was and that I should be in sales. He said he used to work in television and he knew who was good when he saw them. I looked him up and found out he was the former head of a major network. I did work in television but I never followed up with him. Chance to have lunch with a major sportscaster while working out of town - no thanks - had a plane to catch. Met a major R&B artist's team and got chance to hang out with them and see their show - again, no thanks, it would make me have to delay getting home. I get the chance to work with a lot of great people, but don't care if they even know my name, preferring to create in the background and letting my team take the lead.
I know I like to be in the background but it's like I intentionally avoid opportunities to be noticed. Or if I am, I put the light out - yet I expect my daughter to do it all. I know in life I have been successful and I am extremely grateful to have run a business for 20 years that's allowed me to travel the world and control my own schedule; to have a great marriage and a great kid. But I feel like I've avoided doing even more. I know women's magazines write articles about busy, over-taxed women learning to say "no," but I need to learn to say "yes" - to me. So I'll edge a little closer to the spotlight, slowly, tentatively, I'll creep toward the sun.
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