I think the tipping point was the birthday party on Earth Day this weekend. It’s not that I didn’t want to take Park, as a matter of fact, we had a wonderful time. It’s just that it occurred on Earth Day and there was a concert on the Mall that I traded in so we could go to the party. This was the second party that weekend, which was preceded by being the only parent that ever goes on my daughter’s field trips, and soon to be followed by another weekend of birthday parties and a class get together that I, as Class Mom, was planning. And that is when it hit me – my life can now only be measured by a cycle of play dates and parties.
Earth Day triggered it because my first Earth Day concert was in NY, when I was young and single and free to be out all day in the sun listening to music. I lived in Manhattan, so even if I had no one to hang out with – which was often – I could walk out the door and hit the park, or the museum or the movies. I could lay out on the grassy field near the Met and read a book; catch Summer Stage in Central Park or a cheap meal at Diane’s Uptown – all places that were just a few blocks from my front door. I could walk home from 42nd to 83rd street and find a million things to do on the way. And work? Work was hectic, but it was Africa, it was the Caribbean – a passport full of places and promises.
Now I have to schedule EVERYTHING. Even going into DC means consulting a train schedule and driving 15 minutes to get on a train station because in the burbs you just can’t hop around the corner to get on some form of public transportation, you have to PLAN. Gone are the “Hey girl, whatcha’ doing” days of spontaneity. It’s more of “What are you doing next week…oh wait there’s a party, ok, next Tuesday – sorry, can’t really do week nights.” Everything is around a school calendar – a spring break, a summer break, a camp, a dance, ice skating, swim or gymnastics class. And slowly, but surely, you just stop trying because it’s one more thing to schedule.
I really do love and appreciate my life – it’s just that every now and then I need to be an adult. Everything I do somehow relates to a kindergartener – my red lipstick that has always been my signature – now is only worn to the amusement of my daughter’s kindergarten class; dresses and skirts – can’t wear them as I need full body covering to roll, climb, leap or catch. Park told me the other day that my clothes are horrible and I really need to buy something new. Free time? I just want to sleep so I can be rested for the next kid’s activity.
Bottom line – I’m the activities director in the family. Larry does a lot but it doesn’t change the fact that Park is usually solely with me after school and on weekends due to his schedule. So when he does take her out for a few hours and “drops the mic” like “yeah, I rocked that, “I want to hit him in the head with a frying pan.
So to save my sanity, I have come up with a Return to Land of Adulthood plan. I’m letting Larry take Park to next weekend’s party, and when he gives me a few hours of relief, I am going to run with it like I stole something. I’ve already called my girlfriend to block the day to do something or nothing, as long as it is adults-only. I realize I must intentionally seek adult companionship if I want an adult life.
I saw the life I wanted to live before I got married and I have it and am grateful for it. Losing my identity as an adult wasn’t part of the vision, that’s just something I let happen. But just like the time a few weeks ago when I busted my ass for the first time in ice skating, I got up and returned to the rink, knowing that if I didn’t I’d never return, I’m treating my adult life the same way. I can’t let fear or complacency or resignation get the best of me, I’ve got to get up and get back into the rink before I end up in a clown costume somewhere – a relic of a mom who gave too much of herself! And although I love my daughter more than anything, I’ll tell her, when her big eyes fill with tears as I head out the door,” Mommy loves you so much, but NO KIDS ALLOWED.”
