Dance Like There's No Tomorrow

We took our daughter to the Guppy Gala at the zoo tonight. Although a friendly little girl, Park can sometimes become very shy and want to literally crawl up my body when she is fearful or nervous. So I was quite surprised when she jumped up to dance with one of the people on the performance stage. She left me and Larry, ran up there and simply moved. She danced with wild abandon moving her arms left and right, rolling her hands, shaking her shoulders and enjoying the music. She didn't look at us for permission or approval, she simply acted on what inspired her in that moment. She didn't care who was watching - all she focused on was the rhythm of the music and how it made her feel. It was a beautiful thing to watch my daughter being so free. I pray that she always finds that little piece of freedom and pulls it out whenever she needs it; that she has no inhibitions or doubts about anything that she wants to do, and that she will always remember to dance like she did tonight.

Hold On or Let it Go?

I have been thinking and thinking about having another baby. At this point I will be 47 by the time I deliver, but there is some part of me that still thinks I have it in me for one more go round. I don't know if I am being hopeful or delusional. They told me I had less than a 6% chance when I was 41 and I conceived at almost 44 without their help. This time they told me less than 1% - sometimes I feel like all I need to hear is "impossible" to make it my motivation.

Years before ever getting pregnant I'd go to the gym and people would ask why I was going so often (back when I went alot) and I'd say "One day I'm going to be pregnant and have a baby and will need to be in shape." They'd ask "Are you married yet? " - my response "Nope", "Are you pregnant yet?," same response - "Nope." But I knew in my soul that both would be true statements and persisted.

Now here I am with everything I ever wanted and knew I could have, and I'm asking myself if I am now being selfish. One doctor flat out told me I was lucky to have the healthy ONE at my age and I'd be crazy to tempt fate again, then proceeded to tell me about her nightmares raising her child and other nightmares of friends who adopted. Did I say she is a FORMER doctor?! She was off-putting yes, but it did make me think - am I not being grateful; am I taking what I have accomplished for granted, am I selfish? At times I feel like I am pushing God to do what I want and at other times I feel ashamed for not recognizing that with Him ALL things are possible.

I grew up with a sister who I am extremely close to and I always imagined having children who would have that same bond. I was never one of those "I need to get married so I can have children;" as a matter of fact, for me, children were not an option unless I was married. Yet once I got on board, I wanted the full works - at least two kids; maybe even three. Even knowing with each year my chances of conceiving on my own were decreasing, I never imagined that I could not have at least two.

Over the next few months I will have some big decisions to make. We're going to give it another shot; but in three months time, if nothing happens, I am going to let go of the option of conceiving and look at other alternatives.

Through the Eyes of a Child

We took our daughter to see the America I Am exhibit at the National Geographic Building today. The mood was somewhat somber as we entered the rooms with remnants of slavery. But as my daughter saw the chains reflected on the people's faces, she asked about the rainbows - seeing only the light that bounced off the reflection. And when she approached the vignette of a female and male house slave in their uniforms she said "Mommy, can I touch the princess and the pirate?" - and the crowd broke out of their mood and smiled. It's amazing how a child can take even the saddest piece of history and find beauty. Maybe that's why we should remember our past, hold it, acknowledge it, celebrate it. It made us who we are today, as a people and as a nation - and while some focused on the ugliness of it all, a little girl looked at those images and saw beauty.